I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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