my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
