You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
