I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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