"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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