I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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