I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
