Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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