Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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