You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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