Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
