3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize