I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
