No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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