im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
