I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We had sex on a dog bed..
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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