new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
oh god was she eating orange peels again
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
