if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
