Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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