It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We are all done wearing pants today
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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