Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
