Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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