I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
