Your face is a jimmy john
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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