it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
