i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
