Are we in a gay sports bar?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
