How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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