I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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