youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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