I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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