i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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