Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
