He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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