Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
plz talk dirty to me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
