he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
