remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
