So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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