There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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