So drunk its hurt
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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