My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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