Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize