so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Also, beer. Big fan.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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