My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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