I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
