It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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