My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize