Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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