The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
