we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize