I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
