All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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