Is it because I queefed?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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