i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize