is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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