I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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