my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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