This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
