How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
