I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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