I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
