My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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