I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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