I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
