She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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