i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
