tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize