I'm so fucking centered right now
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
