i think i scared a bird with my dick
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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